FYI: If I ever tell you that I'm going to forgive and/or forget--I'm lying and I'm going to carry that shit around for AWHILE.

What does it mean when you open the oven door and fire shoots out? I knew our kitchen was the portal to hell.

Before I had kids, I never realized Saturday even had a morning.

If cough syrup wasn't meant to be abused, why does it come with that little shot glass?

Sometimes I laugh so hard tears run down my leg.

2 chili dogs for dinner and its my anniversary. Go me. Hey I fixed his plate.

Fuck. I can't focus. I need a drink. Or new shoes. Or to punch something. Or someone.

When you're on your third martini, stay away from your cell phone. Never mind how I know this.

Interesting little fact: 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Um yeah. I can see you sent me an email so you don't have to come tell me you sent me one.

May your coconuts never hang below your grass skirt!

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm approachable. Turn the fuck around and walk the fuck away.

Some people just need a sympathetic pat...on the head...with a hammer.

One of my favorite things to do is to practically yell "YOU'RE WELCOME" to people who don't say "Thank you".

Glad I'm not judgmental like those other losers.

I told the kids I accidentally dropped all the cookies on the floor and had to throw them away. But we know the truth now don't we twitter?

I wanna be on the "Do Not Rapture" list.

You know...women who don't wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch.

$120.00 for a dozen fucking roses! That's a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

Sometimes I get depressed... but then I look in the mirror at my boobs and realize just how powerful I still am.