Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

those assholes at the skatepark laugh at me now, but when i get home and turn on Family Guy, ill be the one laughing

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

1863: I'm standing on the Mason-Dixon line rubbing the Union and Confederate flags together and making kissing noises. Everyone is yelling

you click "FIND LONELY SINGLES IN YOUR AREA" and it brings you to a map. the map zooms in on your apartment. you're the only one. wow

Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*

what kind of fucked up bees is honey mustard coming out of

dude, don't put the neverending pasta bowl on the edge of the table, it's- *bowl topples over, room begins slowly filling up with pasta*

Chad Kroeger sees a "honk if youre horny" sticker and slams his hand down so hard the horn gets stuck and blares loudly the rest of the trip

*turns camera back to self after unintentionally filming JFK assassination* WORLD STAAAR. THIS SHITS GOING ON WORLD STAAAARRR

Local High Schooler Forced To Turn Dragon T-Shirt Inside Out. "All the hot girls were distracted by how cool it was," the principal told us

sonic the hedghog is so f***ing cool and fast.... i wonder if hes christian

(board meeting ) how about, Windows: WILLennium Edition. ... [will smith and dancers are heard mistakenly making entrance across the hall]

On my first date with Subway Jared we came across a puddle on the sidewalk and he laid the big jeans over it so I could cross

You have been banned for the following reason: Princess Di's last words were not "yo quiero lizard fuck"

the twitter background of the dude who yelled at me for implying Ted Nugent fucks animals is the best thing ever pic.twitter.com/cLSWF84c

Turns out Bon Iver was a just a scheme created by grizzly bears to lure people into going into the woods alone for prolonged periods of time

@dogbountyhunter i want to put you in a diaper

I can't stop doing this stupid bullshit  http://i.imgur.com/QtkTp.png 

hey there delilah i have shat inside the bathtub i need your help to clean the bathtub windex bleach and scrubbing bubbles