Hey Gatorade: you can quit spending millions naming your drinks...they are called whatever color they are

"BEST WEEKEND EVER!" ~ The same stupid bitch on Facebook, at least twice a month...

My wife just walked in and called me immature, I told her that she better get off the floor before the lava gets her

If you say "My Cocaine" out-loud, you are also saying "Michael Caine" in his own voice - MIND OFFICIALLY BLOWN

Dear Fat Guy Buying ONLY a plunger at 11:35 at night at Wal-Mart: Thanks for making me feel better about my self!

I just stopped two ladies from running their grocery carts into one another, so If anyone like needs an air traffic controller or something.

Hey guys, Just got a letter from my doctor, I hate Roman Numerals...Does anyone know what number is HIV?

Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets

My safe word during sex is "I think my wife is home"

1 + 1 = 3 if you didn't use a condom.

If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.....

"Why can't we just get a yellow rug by the toilet?" - Me to my wife...

You can call me a prude if you want, but when I see a porno that has people drinking and then fucking I find they almost never use coasters.

My wife thinks it's stupid, but I'm still getting this tattooed on me - "If found dead, do something fun with me, like Weekend at Bernies"

This monopoly game is defective! I have been looking for three hours, and still I don't see "Electric Avenue"

Smoking weed is what turned Pippi Longstocking into Willie Nelson......

Is it me or does the word feces seem more gross than shit???

"I Dig Chicks" - Necrophiliacs...

Drinking a Capri-Sun without the straw, I just ripped it open, it feels good to be a gangsta

I find it highly unusual that women don't stare at men's nipples...