i am putting mayonaise on a pizza because suck my dick

i did kiss a guy once but it was for a game of truth or dare so i felt like i HAD to (the dare was "follow your heart")

i'm so sick of parents who talk about their kids ALL DAY on Facebook. it's like, we GET IT, your kid is missing.

R.i.p. Dr. Kilmartin, who died this morning after mysteriously vaporizing. He will be remembered for his kindness and for vaporizing.

If you want to hear all the hottest R&B jams of the 90's and today, walk into my room RIGHT NOW

the first rapper to realize that models rhymes with bottles must have been soooooo psyched

it's pretty convenient that the type of people who wear camouflage are the type of people you don't ever really wanna see anyway

just checked my email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they say the customer is always right, but that's the philosophy that got me fired from my job as a suicide hotline operator.

i'm going through every playlist named "yolo" on Spotify and i found one that's 12 Phil Collins songs

next year i'm gonna dress up like a wolfman 364 days of the year and then just be a normal dude on Halloween

Long hair, don't care. Motorized wheelchair. Pears, bears, stairs (From my new poem "Hair Rhymes")

i made a mix for the girl i like, and i know that sounds corny, but i swear it actually got me laid (the mix was bourbon and rohypnol)

got a real solid set ready for stand-up tonight pic.twitter.com/rj3LwNf8

Saw a kid on campus wearing a Yolo shirt REALLY stressing out about not being able to find his class

Siri are we human or are we dancer

i just reported my neighbor for animal neglect because his dog keeps ignoring me.

i've graduated college and feel good about the future but this is probably just like that feeling of warmth you get before freezing to death

the way i talk to myself internally sounds like a frustrated dad tryin to politely tell his autistic son that he's being shitty

a new thing i've been doing is whenever i enter a public restroom i immediately yell out "Y'ALL ON TWITTER??"