I'm not saying she's easy. But if her vagina had a password, it would be "PASSWORD".

I haven't been arrested in 7 years. My house hasn't been raided in four years. WTF? I've lost that certain je ne sais quoi....

Thank god feelings don't have calories cuz I swallow them like a mother fucker.

Hey genius, every fucking pair of chaps are assless. Thats what makes them chaps. Otherwise, they'd just be pants.

Don't accuse me of not caring. I even get my asshole waxed for you.

I'm 40, drunk, and just pee'd in my front yard.


I know, I know.... I can't believe I'm single either....

Sometimes I really miss just making out and dry humping. Dry humping is seriously under rated.

I wish I could find a guy that would stare at my tits when he talks to me. Those guys are sooooo hard to find.

No one breaks my heart the way I do.

Tried to explain to my sister that Twitter isnt that addicting. Then I realized Ive been sitting here in my sweaty workout clothes for 5 hrs

Sucking cock won't get you trophies. But tweeting about sucking cock just might....

I live in a town small enough to run into my ex from high school & hit on a guy it turns our I used to babysit in the same bar on a Sunday.

Just talked the bartender into going out back and jacking off while my girlfriend watched. I love playing "matchmaker."

Just saw a kid, maybe 15, steal a pregnancy test from the dollar store. Homie, either way, you're so fuct!!!

Once a pic of me taking a bong hit in a flannel nightgown w/ a face mask on turned up in 1997 Whitetrash Calander. Im Miss February.

"Oh, shut the fuck up!" -me responding out loud to approximately every fourth tweet I read.

Threw dress I slept in last night in the dryer to remove dog hair & wrinkles. Shaved legs in sink. Put dress back on. Now to get drunk...

Guys: they want a whore in the bedroom and a what? Fuck, I don't know.... I got the first part down though!!

Please keep your fat girl comments to yourself. If that's the only insult you have for a person, you're pathetic.

My ex sends me dick pics from prison on his cell phone. 25 to life w/ a cell phone w/ internet access & he eats for free. Justice?