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I always set aside time on a Sunday morning to look for my car
You know the college boys are back in town when I sit on my porch with no panties holding a free beer sign.
The grim reaper was at my bedside this morning, but all he could do was shake his head in disgust
My co-workers just got called into a emergency meeting. Good thing I was at the liquor store when all that shit went down
I've mastered the art of telling my boss "I'll do that right now" then not doing it at all because I fucking hate that guy
My favorite hand signal to use in traffic is the dick sucking one
Ever wake up and you're the last one in the office?
Unless you've choked on a dorito while laying in bed alone, panic but get through it, then cry about it, you don't know me
It's about time my boss left, I've been closing deals with my voicemail and shuffling papers around for HOURS
I don't know what's more desperate, the male bartender at the tavern dancing for a dollar or me making him do it
There's never a better time to ask yourself "what year is it?" then when looking for a condiment in the fridge
"I don't know if you care..." how my boss begins every conversation with me
I've been sleeping with unfolded laundry on my bed for a week now and I've had beer for dinner the past few days, cause I'm happy
Positive thought: It's nice there's never a man here to tell me to turn the channel. No I'm not crying, don't look at me!
If Mark Wahlberg was a dinosaur, I'd still want to fuck him #McTotD
I spent the day crying, napping, and hosting the who really is fuckable here contest before my boss finally said I could go home
Everyone's silence tells me maybe I shouldn't have scheduled my nervous breakdown for the same week as this road trip
My idol is the guy that just left work yelling fuck you as he did a sickass burnout in the parking lot
You can usually get away with falling down drunk on your way out of a bar, but not always on the way in
According to my friends, I can't be taken anywhere