The best thing a woman can bring to the bedroom is confidence.

If all the people in all the world were getting all the sex they wanted, would Twitter even exist?

If you buy your groceries with an EBT card and are wearing uggs and carrying a Prada bag. You're a douche. And I just smashed your bananas.

Lady came through my line. Her check read: Linda Van Winklebeaver. And yes, I've been introdcing myself as her in a British accent all day.

Pull my hair while you do that.

If you run to my pussy with the same excitement my dog runs to the treat drawer, we will have no problems.

I think more girls would be into swallowing if semen were cotton candy pink. It's easier to imagine it's just strawberries and cream.

Humor makes me wet. Make me wet.

I've been without a boyfriend for so long I learned how to take spiders outside with just a piece of paper. So sad. :(

Hey, snotty Whole Foods cashier: When I say yes to needing a bag, please don't look at me like I just clubbed a baby seal. Thanks.

My smoke alarm doubles as a signal my toast is done. Convenient.

I want to feel safe and loved. I offer the same in return.

Our bodies give us the most pleasure possible. So if you're not fucking or rubbing one off daily, then die, you ungrateful bastard.

Can someone please come fuck my stress away?

Imagine a world where penises look like candy canes and taste like root beer. . .

My Twitter crush is one sexy motherfucker.

Men are shameless. Thank you!

Just lie there and let me hump your junk, OK? No, no, no. . . Ssshhh.

Fuck valentine. Be my jolly rancher.

I'm hiring for the position of Man Candy Able To Put Up With Woman with Daddy Issues. Anyone? Come one. I'll make it worth your while.