If you have to hashtag the word "sarcasm" after a tweet, then you have failed your attempt at sarcasm.

I think some of the people I follow do drugs. Specifically, the funny ones.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a horse.
Nickleback sucks.
Kim Kardashian is a whore.

DOES THIS SATISFY YOU?!?! IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU WANT????

I won't have sex with guys that used to be boyscouts, because I'm afraid I will constantly be compared to their scoutmaster.

"I'm going to make furniture that drunk people can't sit on." -inventor of the papasan chair

Every time you guys favorite one of my tweets it kinda makes up for the fact my dad didn't love me enough as a kid.

I'm not gay but the history on my computer is.

The worker at the sex shop assumingly said to me: "The gay section is over there."

I was so mad I took my heels off and beat him with them.

"It's not gay because the lights were off!" -drunk frat guys

Today I have eaten hot dogs, played cornhole, and shot a gun. If I were any more patriotic I would shit eagles.

Wanna know if you're a redneck?:

1.Drop food on your touch screen phone.

2.Did you wipe it off or lick it off??

Finding a 20$ in an old pair of jeans is like a little high five from God.

Can homophobes eat Popsicles?

Hey straight guys who wear white belts, start sucking dick or quit dressing like a homo. Sincerely, the Gays

I wouldn't drink so much if my feelings would just stop being lazy and repress themselves.

Don't give road head while driving over speed bumps unless you're able to deal with the consequences.

"Nice try, girls with boob avis." -Twitter Gays

I mostly tweet the thoughts that I have inside my head, which is ok, but I'm alarmed that all my thoughts are 140 characters or less.

"I didn't mean to burn your house down. How can I make it up to you??"-'friendly fire'

I just saw a promo for a show called "Swamp People". Is that the new one about Khloe and Lamar?