jean shorts should be feared and respected.

"I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face."

"these candles not only smell better, they burn longer and this is very, very, very important...rabid wax killed a family of six last year."

any shoot that ends with my face covered in a mixture of pasta and mascara is a win.. #thatisawrap #sexy

@pigtailpals "I've ingested so much princess brainwashing in the last week I think my vomit might sparkle." #anotherreasontoadoreyou

Hungry Like the Hippo.

I have a ridiculous amount of respect for my friends w/kids but if we don't want to switch lives, let's not compare them. *tosses glitter*

@dannyzuker You're my favorite person on Twitter for at least the next few hours.

Please never stop watching goat videos.

"...then she went all D minor."

I didn't fall. It's just that I didn't *land* correctly.

this homophobic guy has some serious blowjob lips.... #irony

"Equal pay for equal work is an American value." Lilly Ledbetter #DNC

I'm in Prague and pregnant with a circus clown's baby.. we're getting married after I get the money from my exploding underwear lawsuit.

In other news, 91% of you seem to be eating cherries. I want cherries.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to be tired because I don't have kids... I think I just got tired-shamed.

*pokes the moon with a very long stick*

When my shoulder was healing, the pills made everything hilarious and I accidentally followed a group of people who RT each other all day.

"and to your left, those are *not* the rivers and the lakes that you're used to..."

roses are red, violets are blue, limoncello.