Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.

Did you know you can leave work early if you call a co-worker a son of a bitch during a meeting?

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

I think there should be a law that allows us to hunt the cheerful morning people for sport.

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

This is a shout out to all the people Twitter claims are similar to me. I'm so sorry

You can tell if you had a good time the night before if you have to walk around the block picking up your clothes.

My social life nowadays is looking up from my phone occasionally to make sure the zombie apocalypse hasn't started.

The sound of failure is a vibrator after sex.

Dear car designers, the Batmobile. That's all we're asking for.

All that Twitters done for me is make me horny for psychotic women.

OK life you win, I'm just going to lay quietly on the floor until Friday

I don't know what's worse sexting my sister by mistake, or her replying to it.

I would like to thank the Mayans for giving me an excuse to drink all day.

When I finally looked up from my phone I found out I had been fired two weeks ago.

I wish my girlfriend would moan in bed the same way she does when she's eating chocolate.

I'm taking sober me out for a steak dinner as a thank you for hiding the phone from drunk me last night.

Only 5,231 masturbates till Christmas.

I think the same people who fucked up MTV are now running the country.