If you can't fuck 'em, retweet 'em!!!

I've made up a new word:

SLUNT (n.)- a combination of a slut and a cunt. Namely a mega-bitch that fucks and/or blows anything with a pulse

My highest rated tweet has 7 stars. Fuck you guys!! I tweet some funny shit.

Unrelated: Now giving out free blowjobs with swallowing option

Always be yourself.

Unless you're annoying, then be someone else, anyone else.

I firmly believe that the Muppets Swedish Chef deserves his own show on Food Network. I'd watch the fuck outta that shit!!!

No one hates me more than I hate myself. Nice try. But I win.

Your silence speaks volumes.

Your dick isn't nearly as big and wonderful as you think it is.

My lack of emotion and insatiable sex drive are what make me the perfect girlfriend.

After Jesus tricked the Romans into thinking he had died, he and his posse celebrated by eating chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, and Peeps!!!

If you're gonna fuck your BF in the cab of his pickup truck, make sure it's his dick you're riding, NOT the stick shift.

Awkwaaard!!!

I don't want Prince Charming. I just want a guy that will gently wipe my face off after he's cum all over it.

You can lie to everyone...... but yourself.

Oh, I see! It's okay when you stick YOUR finger up MY ass but when I try to do it to YOU, it's not o-fucking-kay. Stupid boys!!

Men: Be kind to your girl when shes giving you head and remember-there's a mouthful of teeth surronding your dick.

Every guy has a cock, but not all of you have charm, intelligence, charisma, manners, or conversation skills.

Use those to get in my pants

How funny my tweets are directly correlate to how good my drugs are.

I'd rather be crazy than be you.

Oh, sure. Blow me off when I'm horny, but expect me to come running when you are. Think I'm gonna be on my period the next 2 weeks! Asshole!

Yes, I might be just a knitter, but those knitting needles are just pointy enough for me to stab you in the eye if you piss me off.