You better put a condom on - if you're gonna act like a dick you need to dress like one.

I am too pretty to do math.

I totally just stubbed my vagina.

So, while I was in the shower just now, my dog dragged my robe out into the living room and fucked it in front of the big window. Wow.

So I went from watching someone eat couch cushions on TLC to a man who fucks his own vehicles on NatGeo...wow I need a life I think.

I suppose,in all fairness,that I should warn house guests that like any good germaphobe,I run my "adult toys" through the dish washer often!

DAY 1 of no sugar, and all I want is to do snort lines of sugar off my mans cock.

"I want to get you pregnant, and throw you down the stairs." Pick up line I just heard.

Just because I don't want to fuck you anymore doesn't make me a lesbian.... It just makes you an asshole. :)

I have been called worse by better. Move along.

Watching competitive eating on TV while I eat cookies, doesn't get more American than that!

I just ate half a jar of Nutella with one chopstick. Don't judge me.

I love that you daycream about me all afternoon...

You know it was a good night when you wake up, and there is DNA all over the place!

When your woman talks to you through her gritted teeth, you have either done something really bad, or really good!

Thanks me, good job! #FourWordsAfterSex

Fuck you Michael Vick and Fuck you Nike.

I am always in trouble, I swear.... lol

The night is the hardest time to be alive ... and 4am knows all my secrets.

@inusku @texas__red What a smart man! Fake tits feel like being hit in the face with a cold slab of meat!