I have had it up to my balls with this woman

I will no longer affectionately address my cock as cyclops or captain fantastic but will from this day forward simply refer to him as Hank.

If you can say "Beer Can" with a British accent...

You're also saying "Bacon" with a Jamaican accent...

#Apparently #whenyou #hashtag #everything #Abunchof #Spambots #pretend #tobeyour #Friends

Don't get so upset over what I tweet. It's not like I said it, I just thought it.

#rememberthat

New exotic pet idea .... Octopus.

I can't tell if what I write on here is idiotic or ingenious, then I check my favstar board and realize how few of you recognize brilliance

A woman can make eating a Popsicle look sexy...It must really turn women on when I eat lasagna noodles or beef tacos

It doesn't matter how many Canadian Singles you throw at a stripper, she's never going to appreciate being pelted with coins

If your misspell masturbation I assume is because your doing it right now and tweetin' with one hand

God fearing women of the Rapture, in this time of need throw your heels to Jesus!

And as we plow our heads,
Let us Prey...

I have mounted everyone of my finest achievements on these walls...

This must be what it feels like to be around kryptonite

Twitter is where you make a fake profile and say some Real Shit.
Facebook is full of Real People acting Fake.

Just attempted to retweet myself...

I wouldn't compare myself to Jesus as much as I'd compare him to me.

Licki Mivaj "@tiffannia: I need a new nickname for my vagina. Señiorita McSexytown doesn't seem to be doing it for me.”

This is how you'd Do that, but we're not going to Do this, because that would involve Doing something, and we wouldn't want to Do that.

Started a new diet this week called Involuntary Annorexia

It's #brilliant

A grey hair just fell out, don't know whether to be happy I have less greys now or upset now that I realize I'm going bald...