Just bought some new deodorant and the instructions said to "Remove cap and push up bottom". I can barley walk but my ass smells amazing.

I heard a statistic that there are over 4 million battered women and to think all this time I've been eating them plain.

I've hit the gym, showered, ass bleached, chest and balls shaved and eyebrows groomed.
I'm kidding about the eyebrows, that would be gay

I feel a little gay manscaping but when I'm at the gym and the guys comment on how much bigger my cock looks, I realize I'm just being silly

I am going to a sex addiction meeting tonight because there is always one ready to fall off the wagon and I know my wife won't be there.

Wife and I got in a fight and she called me immature, Fuck Her, I just put a No Tresspassing sign on my fort and that Bitch is not coming in

That moment of horror when you realize there are 4 sheets of toilet paper left and you go from a liberal to a conservative, just like that.

I'm sending my son to the second floor to stay with Luka, his family knows how to deal with a shitty attitude.

I've invented a new teen pregnacy test to avoid the confusion,
it will now say "Your Life Is Ruined" and "Lucky This Time, You Slut!"

When you are sad, no one sees your tears. When you hurt no one sees your pain but masturbate on a bus and see all fucking attention you get

Tried the "Sexting" thing by sending and receiving hot steamy texts but to be honest I found it boring.
My mother has no imagination.

Had a douchebag run into me at the gym so we settled it old school style, everyone made a big circle and he and I had a dance off.

Sometimes I will call my hand a Dirty Little Slut and pull the hair on the back of my wrist to show who is in control.

Deaf people are so overly dramatic with their hand gestures.

My wife just found my E-Harmony account,
so we are meeting for pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

When your GPS screams recalculating at you, it's really saying "You're a dumb ass who cannot follow directions, let me see what I can do".

When going for an interview and asked how you will deal with an unruly subordinate, apparently spanking is not an acceptable answer.

I was going to take my Christmas lights down but I think I should wait for some cooler weather.

If you make out with a chic and then find out later she was a tranny, that's not cheating right?
Asking for my friend.

Second pair of new running shoes where the tread is peeling, I am shocked those Malaysian kids don't take better pride in their work.