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Same judges just scored Eastern Conference Finals in favor of the Celtics. #RIPBoxing #Hoax
"Yo, that's a big fork and a dirty salad." - Vin Diesel watching someone rake leaves. #VinDieselSunday
Just looking around at the turnout and it feels like I could maybe win this thing. #nycmarathon
Shocked by the audacity of government helping all these people when billionaires would have done it out of the goodness of their hearts.
Just bought a sword that shoots grenades that explode into tiny shark teeth covered in snake venom like OUR FOUNDERS INTENDED #2ndamendment
Dude picking food out of the trash in front of the White Castle in Williamsburg? Yeah, he's wearing a #DCM14 bracelet.
"No one even cares that Beyonce lip-synched!" -Ashlee Simpson, to herself, momentarily ignoring her tables at TGIFriday's
That novel you started while you were getting your MFA from Iowa? The fat kid from Modern Family sold a memoir to Penguin.
my two mantras are NEVER GIVE UP NO MATTER WHAT and I WILL ALWAYS BE TERRIBLE AT THIS AND DO NOT DESERVE SUCCESS
We're dedicating this year's Oscars to music. Also we banished the orchestra to a completely different building.
Almost all of the effects on Photo Booth could just be called "Make Yourself Look Like Jay Leno".
Hey @darcycarden did you say @elliottdotabby was in this? OMG I WILL WATCH IT AND SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE I KNOW! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yMAKcFAGQI …
My 3yo is repeatedly dropping silverware on the coffee table and shouting MUSIC, so I guess he's Björk?
Nate Silver is riding a hang glider made of dolphin pubes while pissing diamonds into a pool of half-Asian mermaids.
IF YOU KNOW HOW A SEMICOLON WORKS WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU GOT NO FRIENDS
If you think this will stop Dick Clark from hosting a New Year's special, you're crazy.
gotta hand it to God and Jesus for coming up with the most complicated plan to free us from sin when they could have just said BOOM NO SINS!
Secret Asian Man
