I set my Sleep Number Bed to Windows 7. Now my bed has bugs and no support whatsoever.

Had sex with a lawyer. Got off on a technicality.

I'm not sure why AT&T dropped Tiger Woods. He just took advantage of his "Nights and Weekends" and proved "roaming" can be expensive.

Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

Don't forget to drop a few Raisinets in the toilet to prove to the kids that the Easter Bunny stopped by.

Saw a show about Nostradamus before I masturbated. Came like there's no tomorrow.

I secretly replaced her sanitary napkins with dryer sheets, but the bitch is STILL giving me static.

I like my women like I like my Pringles:

Well preserved, nicely stacked, with the ability to take it in the can.

Instead of dropping Charlie Sheen, shouldn't Hanes keep him on to promote their Wife-beater Tees?

Someday, the elderly will realize they can get the drug dealers off their streets by simply using laser pointers.

And to think that Joe Biden kisses your Mom with that mouth...

Note to the asshole who parked too close: "Sorry about your car door. I liked it so I put a ding on it."

Had a talk with my doctor about erectile dysfunction.

Poor guy...

If Obama gave $30 Billion to Six Flags instead of GM, we could all take a roller coaster to work and Mondays might not suck as much.

My money is on MySpace to take the Gold in the Downhill Competition.

Every time I want to have sex, her side of the Sleep Number Bed is set to irrational numbers.

Told a cop my speedometer has the accuracy of a Glenn Beck blackboard and he let me go. Your results may vary.

My glasses fell into the toilet. Oddly enough, I couldn't see shit.

Oddly enough, it looks like Brazil may win the Olympic bid by a hair.

It's that time of year where cold weather drives annoying pests into your house--like spiders, mice and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.