I think I'm going to carve "cheating asshole" into the side of my car, so ppl think I actually get laid...

I hope someday someone will find ME pretty enough to make into a skin suit :(

The blowjob ended when I said yeah girl suck my pee pee...

Why yes PornHub I'd love to share that I "like" Asian girl gets fisted, with Facebook, thank u for the opportunity...

Well I meant to start my laundry 2hrs ago, but I think everyone with a twitter account knows how that goes...

when I see little kids at WalMarts stagger away from their parents, I always give them the cutthroat sign,or shoot pretend arrows at them...

Every Canadian at the age of 7 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 2 beavers...

I swear to all that is holy in this god forsaken world if you dont add a Z to that "Cray" I'm going to burn u alive!

Whenever u star my tweets,I'm actually sitting at home stroking ur avi's hair whispering"don't b afraid child, retweet,retweet......."

Yes I'm following more ppl then I have followers, cause alot of funny ppl are also ass fucks!

Everybodies saying fuck the world, fuck the police what about me?why won't anybody fuck me!? :'(

just had skype sex with the gf, its gonna b a long cold walk for her to bring me my sandwich..

I'm the kinda guy who'll tell u to do the dishes just so I can walk up behind u an kiss ur neck before I bend u over the table...

"I am not one to be taken LIGHTLY!" *What I yell through my tears at the neighbourhood kids who make fun of me :(*

Scrape that fork on the plate one more time. I fucking dare you...

for every one of my tweets u read and don't star, someone posts a picture of their lunch on instagram..

While ur trying to fit in, I'll b busy standing out...

my sister asked me to "pretend" to b her bf to get these guys away... I dunno why she got so weirded out when I tried to make out with her.?

I'm beginning to understand why the word tweeker is so similar to tweeter...

I really wish there was a "puts gun to head" emoticon....