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Careful, it could be a trick question. Maybe she wants to look fat in that dress.
Hate crimes. Who doesn't?
If you ever find yourself thinking maybe people are basically good, just read the comments section on any article anywhere about anything.
"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus.
"I want to fuck your face!" - Hallmark card, 2067
I bet skeletons and secret gays are always getting into closet turf wars.
Rick Perry said being gay is similar to being an alcoholic. Wow, kinda sounds like Ricky Perry just called you gay, drunk America.
Holy crap, there's a huge hole in my shoe! Oh, wait, that's just where my foot goes. Sorry to worry everybody!
Don't feel bad if someone unfollows you. They probably died in a car accident while laughing at one of your tweets. You should feel great!
You can tell the tweet theft has gotten out of hand when guys start posting jokes about their periods.
If women joke about masturbation, it's hot. If men joke about it, it's gross. If bears joke about it, we'll be fucking amazed they can talk.
I don't know why anyone would buy a memory foam mattress. I want my bed to forget stuff.
If E.T. had been real, you totally would've taken a baseball bat to that shit. Be honest.
I'd rather get kicked in the nuts than start making a microwavable meal only to discover it requires a two-stage heating process.
"I'm cautiously cocktimistic." - women who wear matching bras and panties just in case
I want a gym where it's really dark inside so people can't see me. And maybe there's a bed where I can take a nap. Maybe I just want a nap.
My girlfriend, A SCIENTIST, just said that the X-men could be real. How do I secretly find out her ring size?
How do you guys get your ducks in a row? Mine aren't responding to verbal commands OR threatening gestures.
"Got any pot, man?" - homeless plants
Whenever I see a "Baby on Board" sign, I call the cops, because babies should be in carseats or cages or whatever.
Former assistant dance instructor for the Dick Chaplin Cotillion. Currently working at Friends Night.