Sushi is the only food that I can eat $80 worth of and then say "what's for dinner though?"

There should be another bat signal for when crime isn't happening just to let Batman know like, hey boo, haven't forgotten about you

Am I the only one camped out to get opening-night tickets for that movie where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson play interns at Google?

Just saw a lady with one arm and instantly managed to feel weird about how conspicuously I was not looking at where her other arm wasn't.

Cabdriver just blurted out "I don't want to have kids." Didn't even know we were dating.

It's time to get off your soapbox and onto your shower gel box.

There’s probably nothing more disappointing than your first day at work for the Food and Drug Administration.

I think I am becoming a Republican because I am starting to miss the days when you could just throw whatever you wanted in the trash.

I don't wanna sound all high-and-mighty but I just smoked three joints and bench pressed 400 pounds.

Five hours of energy? In this economy???

Listen, if you have something to say to me, you can say it to me on the dance floor

I feel like pretty much everyone misses Steve Irwin more than I do.

What's your favorite movie about a dog that plays competitive basketball?

seen a girl walking down the street holding an entire rotisserie chicken and now we are married and ive taken her last name.

I'm always so uncomfortable when I think someone's waving at me, but it turns out they actually are

If I were famous Us Weekly would photograph me and be all "OMG, baby bump?" and I'd be like "LOL no, wine."

Want to make a difference in the world but still be able to watch eight hours of TV a day.

HER: Guys who use emoticons have small dicks.

ME: :(

Food critics have done a fantastic job of convincing us that food critics are at all necessary.

Wait, Mitch and Cam on Modern Family are a COUPLE? I thought they were just roommates who loathed each other.