If you ever find yourself thinking maybe people are basically good, just read the comments section on any article anywhere about anything.

"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus.

They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.

Reality TV show idea: Donald Trump + Ann Coulter in a house at the bottom of the sea. Not a special underwater house.

Ending text messages with a period takes more effort than I’m willing to give.

Bears can tear your face off, but I bet those adorable furballs just cuddle the heck out of it afterwards.

Spaghetti and meatballs is one of like 17 things it’s okay to eat shirtless.

Going out on a Friday night like a person. I hope they have beds and stuff there.

The reason Republicans hate Muslims is because they got such a jump on them in the "telling women what to do with their bodies" department.

There's not a single problem in the world that couldn't be solved with enough time and Supermans.

I don't know why anyone would buy a memory foam mattress. I want my bed to forget stuff.

I never want to be someone who turns into a werewolf, killing stranger and friend alike in the glow of the full moon. Or a Republican.

My girlfriend, A SCIENTIST, just said that the X-men could be real. How do I secretly find out her ring size?

Cold weather pick-up line: My penis doubles as a vaginal space heater.

I wrote 'beats' on the side of this tin can, pay me $200!!!

If you can eat fried chicken with a knife and fork you're more impressive to me than anything Harry Potter ever did.

Careful, it could be a trick question. Maybe she wants to look fat in that dress.

"I got salt water taffy! It's mostly licorice flavor!" - an emotional roller coaster I don't want to go through ever again

You don't have to worry about any of that leggo shit if you just eat the whole box of waffles at once like a normal person.

Billy Crystal's gonna host the Oscars! Kids, ask your parents what all those words mean.