Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If you ever find yourself thinking maybe people are basically good, just read the comments section on any article anywhere about anything.
"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus.
They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.
Reality TV show idea: Donald Trump + Ann Coulter in a house at the bottom of the sea. Not a special underwater house.
Ending text messages with a period takes more effort than I’m willing to give.
Bears can tear your face off, but I bet those adorable furballs just cuddle the heck out of it afterwards.
Spaghetti and meatballs is one of like 17 things it’s okay to eat shirtless.
Going out on a Friday night like a person. I hope they have beds and stuff there.
The reason Republicans hate Muslims is because they got such a jump on them in the "telling women what to do with their bodies" department.
There's not a single problem in the world that couldn't be solved with enough time and Supermans.
I don't know why anyone would buy a memory foam mattress. I want my bed to forget stuff.
I never want to be someone who turns into a werewolf, killing stranger and friend alike in the glow of the full moon. Or a Republican.
My girlfriend, A SCIENTIST, just said that the X-men could be real. How do I secretly find out her ring size?
Cold weather pick-up line: My penis doubles as a vaginal space heater.
I wrote 'beats' on the side of this tin can, pay me $200!!!
If you can eat fried chicken with a knife and fork you're more impressive to me than anything Harry Potter ever did.
Careful, it could be a trick question. Maybe she wants to look fat in that dress.
"I got salt water taffy! It's mostly licorice flavor!" - an emotional roller coaster I don't want to go through ever again
You don't have to worry about any of that leggo shit if you just eat the whole box of waffles at once like a normal person.
Billy Crystal's gonna host the Oscars! Kids, ask your parents what all those words mean.
Former assistant dance instructor for the Dick Chaplin Cotillion.