Sorry if I've been bitchy this weekend. I've got cramps and on top of that I'm a bitch.

My hands are so dry, penises quake in fear as I walk by.

Eating Funyuns is the same as saying I'm not having sex today. Or tomorrow.

There are 2 types of panties. Ninja Panties & Spring Break Panties. Ninja Panties creep up on you. Spring Break Panties head south.

When you live with old people 5 days a week, you find yourself asking "Was that you or the dog?" a LOT.

When it's really quiet on Facebook, I figure the 'dinner' status updates finally put everyone into a coma.

If the hamburger meat is brown BEFORE you start cooking it, how do you know it's ready?

Kitty & I play a game where he's a hubs & I'm a wife. I ask him a million questions like: Do you love me? or Am I pretty? & he ignores me.

I'm getting on my last nerve.

Help Desk: There is a system outage in your area. DSL will be back in operation at 1am. Me: *hysterical weeping* What did I ever do to you?

I'm pretty sure you underestimate my devotion and psychosis.

Perhaps this was my bosses way of telling me they aren't happy with my work. Though some may say breaking my hand is a little extreme.

If I were a dog I'd say, "Hi! I'm Annmarie! I can't poop with you watching! Turn around please!" I'd be a weird & hyper dog. I'd chew shoes.

You know you have a 'reputation' when grizzled old men show up at your door asking you to find heavy equipment parts from 'the online'.

Author Friends, hate 2 be a bother but, can you please RT this. I need help spreading the word. About BJ & the 'R' Word http://bit.ly/fFtwvb

Here's the deal. Unicorns are not fun & happy. Those bastards are bitter & pissed. ONE HORN. They know 1 horn is 1 horn short of a full rack

I didn't know if I should shit or go blind so I closed one eye & farted. -Old North Georgia Saying

I sleep with my mac. Not because I fall asleep while tweeting but because I'm afraid it'll make a run for it otherwise.

In the 80's I had a cat named Meow More Gadhafi. He was a little tyrant.

I'm poor. I can't afford Steak & a Blowjob Day. Hubs is getting Pinto Beans & a Handshake Day. Handshake substitution needs no explanation.