I accidentally rented "Hairy Potter". There isn't much magic yet but I've seen plenty of things disappear.

Tragically, most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

Wondering whether I should stay in the US or move to Canada. My Boehner is pointing north.

As I get older, "what's your sleep number?" And "are you vested in your 401k?" Seems to be a good pick up lines

I just wrote a singles ad for a friend it reads "SWF, 38, seeking a penis with a bulging wallet attached."

Tainted love is when you miss.

There's a good chance a large spider will be hiding in your coffee maker tomorrow morning.

I guess the reason I haven't given in to buying the Vibram Five Fingers shoes is that I haven't yet abandoned all hope of ever getting laid.

True love means never having to say "Wrong hole".

New York is holding a lottery for the first gay couples to marry.

In related news, my love life is filled with quick picks and losers.

Me-Sorry.

Cashier-For what?

Me-I don't know, I've been married so long that I tend to throw that word into conversations just to be safe.

I only have anal sex for the shits and giggles.

My daughter is with her dad so I stopped and bought a plant because the internet isn't the same without something here to neglect.

The husband is going to Costco. That means 500.00 worth of useless shit is about to become my problem.

Dear parents w/ BRADSMOM vanity license plates- Thanks for warning everyone you're screwing up your only child

There's two things I hate about sex. And how little I get is both of them.

Woman cut off her husbands penis, and tossed it in garbage disposal. I have to find out the disposal brand. Mine clogs with one potato skin.

Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.

I'm going to rename my kids cock and block.

From looking at our credit card bill, I think my wife is buy sexual