Thought I saw Taylor Swift but it turned out to be a really surprised Golden Retriever.

What's the one Taylor Swift song about the guy that made her sad?

Be nice to anyone wearing American Eagle for they are fighting a very difficult battle.

@robdelaney dude that's Adam Sandler

Hi, Welcome to Urban Outfitters. What sort of smug look would you like us to give you this evening?

Show me a person that doesn't run up the basement stairs after turning the lights off and I'll show you a fucking liar.

Whatever your Halloween plans may be, know this; you're going to get in a fight with your girlfriend.

75% of your time in a relationship is spent eating pizza and saying the word "babe"

What if depression exists only because girls who get really excited when their song comes on at the bar stole all of our serotonin?

"Want to watch a movie?" is guy for "after the opening credits I'm going to dry hump you violently"

The hardest part about breaking up is pretending you aren't going to still use you ex's Netflix account.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
-Tom Cruise whenever he puts his car in cruise control

. @robdelaney ???? pic.twitter.com/QhwLsLpfJG

Ask Kim! “@robkardashian: How can a woman who is so busy trying to start her own career have time to be with so many dudes"

When someone asks me what I do I say
"Well you've seen the movie titanic right? Well what I do has literally nothing to do with that"

Whenever you see a lovely couple enjoying a nice dinner, walk up to their table an say "dad, how could you do this to mom?!"

If you refer to your boyfriend as "the boy" I hope you fall off "the cliff"

"Watch me ask this asshole how his food is while he has food in his mouth" - waiters

Rudy couldn't even save Notre Dame right now.

My ex literally just texted me, "u up?"
So I responded, "u a whore that put me through therapy?"