No one ever talks about what slings out when spiderman masturbates.

I don't eat in bed.

Unless it's pussy.

Friends are like snowflakes, you pee on them and they disappear.

I've seen 3 week old road kill that looked better than your vagina. Smelled better too.

What I like about Twitter is now I can go pretty much anywhere in the US and Australia and have a couch to sleep on.

If you do it right, you BOTH sleep in the wet spot.

Screw clearing my history. The thing I worry most about is not having all my jizz towels, jizz socks, and jizz shirts washed before I die.

I wonder what neighborhood Eazy-E was going into where the "boys were always hard"?

I mean, he did die of AIDS.

I'm thinking of getting tattoos on my shoulders that say "Place legs here".

Sometimes I hum the "S.W.A.T" theme and walk like I have a gun in my hands.

Then the guys at work make fun of me.

I can't date you if I have to google every other word.

I shared a bed with this girl once and I would've sworn it was a wounded bear next to me.

I don't always skank.

But when I do it's always to Sublime.

I changed the name of my wifi modem to "FBI van #4327"

Waiting to see if my neighbors freak.

If you watched my life in reverse it'd be about a guy that kicks his masturbating habit.

I feel most like a ninja when I drop the soap in the shower and move my foot out of the way in time.

I wonder how many TotD's have been given out by accident?

You know you can't take it back. Like "Woops Just kidding!"

I was highly disappointed when I found out what bed head really is.

Just once today try to make someone's day by complimenting them. Even a total stranger.

You all are beautiful and funny.

You can't go from a animal or cartoon Avi to a pic of you right away.

You have to unleash the ugly slowly.