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No one ever talks about what slings out when spiderman masturbates.
I don't eat in bed.
Unless it's pussy.
Friends are like snowflakes, you pee on them and they disappear.
I've seen 3 week old road kill that looked better than your vagina. Smelled better too.
What I like about Twitter is now I can go pretty much anywhere in the US and Australia and have a couch to sleep on.
If you do it right, you BOTH sleep in the wet spot.
Screw clearing my history. The thing I worry most about is not having all my jizz towels, jizz socks, and jizz shirts washed before I die.
I wonder what neighborhood Eazy-E was going into where the "boys were always hard"?
I mean, he did die of AIDS.
I'm thinking of getting tattoos on my shoulders that say "Place legs here".
Sometimes I hum the "S.W.A.T" theme and walk like I have a gun in my hands.
Then the guys at work make fun of me.
I can't date you if I have to google every other word.
I shared a bed with this girl once and I would've sworn it was a wounded bear next to me.
I don't always skank.
But when I do it's always to Sublime.
I changed the name of my wifi modem to "FBI van #4327"
Waiting to see if my neighbors freak.
If you watched my life in reverse it'd be about a guy that kicks his masturbating habit.
I feel most like a ninja when I drop the soap in the shower and move my foot out of the way in time.
I wonder how many TotD's have been given out by accident?
You know you can't take it back. Like "Woops Just kidding!"
I was highly disappointed when I found out what bed head really is.
Just once today try to make someone's day by complimenting them. Even a total stranger.
You all are beautiful and funny.
You can't go from a animal or cartoon Avi to a pic of you right away.
You have to unleash the ugly slowly.
I'm your typical Rednexican in that I like God, guns, gangster rap and outlaw country music.