Lemme get uhhh.. Yeah, i'ma get a 'fuck you'. And supersize that shit.

Oh you play the Glockenspiel? Excuse me while I take my bra off.

Followed a guy cause his tweets are funny.Then his wife follows me like a jealous vulture.OMG GUYS I'M GETTIN CLOSER TO BEIN TWITTER ELITE!

Scrubbed the floor so well today that I just slipped and fell flat on my face, just in case you're wondering if I'm marriage material.

You know how when you actually give a fuck they don't, so you stop giving a fuck and then they do? Yah, fuck that.

You people who put 'commited' in your bio do realize that's not just a fancy way of writing 'come hit it' right?

Because some people are just fucking horrible. There I just answered all your questions ever about why some people do what they do.

IT PUTS THE STAR ON THE TWEET OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

You guys, I just realized EVERY THING EVER is made in China except babies I guess those are made in Vachina

You guys, when you run into someone you hate do you hear Pokemon battle music in your head too? No? Just me?

Compliments are like gum : to be enjoyed but not swallowed.

Relationship status: Been using the same cereal bowl for three consecutive days without washing it. So yah, I'd say we're pretty serious.

Okay, new rule: I will give a grand total of one fuck. If you fuck that up, you're out.

Your job as my boyfriend is pretty much to just make my girlfriend's boyfriends look bad

Where can I cash all these flying fucks I've been not giving?

' hey girl do you have an inhaler? Because you've got that ass ma'

I don't know why, okay mom, it just does. It just feels so good being gangster.

I see you've harpooned yourself a whale and called her your girlfriend

Like.. I know I have a vagina, but I'm going to need you to suck my dick. Mmkay, cupcake?

@fuckatherapist Amen, jesus take the wheel!