If I could change one thing about myself? I guess my addiction to meth. WAIT no, I have a weird laugh.

Google is a nice reminder that you've never had an original question

"Go with your gut!" - my mom, when I couldn't find a date to prom

'NOTICE ME' - me to motion sensor sinks

You never hear about all the good stuff autocorrect does. I actually typed this tweet as dndkbekskwpapllkllsenekwlaldvelfmdkwlllllsbrbejkwdv

"Too bad this service is free so we can't complain about it not being perfect" - no one at the library or using any other free service

I'm not above using coupons at bars

I should clean my house but if I wait a little longer I think the hoarders crew will come do it

I'm scared of having a baby because of all the complications that could happen during labor like ending up with a live baby to take care of

i think it should be illegal for gays not to marry

Just hesitated before I starred a tweet as if I were paying for these tiny golden affirmations.

I've got strong, confident woman written all over me. Why are people staring? Should I not have written it in blood?

Heard a lot about what twitter did for women in comedy but I think the real victory was for ugly people. Lookin' at you, cartoon avatar.

If I got a nickel for every time I have sex I'd be a prostitute.

my facebook friend has posted an album for every day of his 6-day-old infant's life how do I cancel the internet?

who's going to tell uganda that we eat ice cream out of cookies that we made to hold ice cream?

I've got upper-management written all over me and now I'm fired because they told me last week not to write on myself with sharpie at work

the lights suddenly dimmed in the library so I said 'mood lighting' to the guy next to me and I don't understand how/why we're still clothed

how much does never getting out of bed pay?

'why did I open this tab?' is the new 'why did I come in this room?'