Stop unfollowing me. I'm funny sometimes when I'm drunk and can't spell. Also you hurt my feelings.

Conversations in my head always makes perfect sense. It's only when someone else gets involved it gets confusing.

You don't get to decide who cares about you.

People in this real life place don't seem to understand how funny I am.

The thing I like best about kids: they don't walk around showing off pictures of their parents.

The world doesn't need more kids. It needs more parents.

If one more hollywood actress explains what a tomboy she was before she became the hottest woman on earth I will violently grow a beard.

Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

Sometimes 50% of me wants to do really bad things. The other half wants a pony.

No luxury greater than being understood.

Oh how I wish I was young enough to know everything again.

A good argument doesn't need a loud voice.

One day we will realise that we could have lived happier had we spent less time destroying everything by overthinking.

It's funny how the wealthy robbing the poor is politically supported business, while poor fighting back is politically condemned violence.

Never regret love given. Ever.

Experience is knowing a lot of stuff you shouldn't be doing.

Pretentious artists describing their art is like writers writing about their writing, it has the mild yet unmistakable odour of dead tooth.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from things that don't make you grow, learn or laugh.

The reason women rarely practise polygamy is that we have a hard enough time finding one man we want to live with.

Can you all please promise to stay bitter and cynical through Valentines day. Thanks.