Who wants to go play with me on the mood swings?

I like walking the fine line between flirt and creep.

I got bills...they're multiplying.

I'm gonna get a stick figure for the back of my car...just the one stick figure.

Just me.

Mount and Dew Me

No. I'm not shoving shredded cheese in my mouth while standing naked in front of the open fridge.

After I apologized for an awkward move during sex he said, "Apologizing often is a sign of weakness." So is cumming that fast. Asshole.

Everyone wants to feel like the exception.

Everything changes if I know I'm wearing sexy panties.

Would you like to super-thighs that?

Is a cum fart called a 'cart' or a 'fum'? Asking for your dad.

I'll do you and your laundry.

If you're happy and you know it, slap your friends!

Someone should host the Instagrammys.

I'm so in love with you...and you...and you...and you...and you...and you over there...and you there, why are you hiding...and you.

I need to care less and be thankful more.

Innocent with a touch of naughty librarian. Anyone?

I feel sorry for the animals that can't make sounds. Specifically, giraffes. Let's have a moment of silence for the giraffes.

Ooo, burn.

I may have just come off a bit creepy. Mission accomplished.

If you tweet about elephants, chances are pretty good that I'm gonna follow you.