I’m going to start selling adult Happy Meals: Chipotle burrito, McDonald’s fries, Wendy’s nuggets, a 40 oz. Bud Ice, & a dime bag

Why the fuck does Five Guys even have diet soda? Porn shops don't sell bibles

Anyone using a pay phone is cheatin on their spouse, a drug dealer, or trying to escape the Matrix

You should legally be able to kill anyone wearing a YOLO shirt to prove their point

I bet Mila Kunis' ass tastes like nutella

IM ON A STRICT DIET OF WHISKEY AND ANGER

Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, take him to Olive Garden for fish an he'll have diarrhea for the night

Life's too short not to get day drunk and sleep naked with the blinds open

I want to fight the sick fuck that invented pants

The Miami Heat after party had champagne, bath salts, and face appetizers for everyone

Busta Rhymes should do a Girl Scout cookie commercial and perform "Gimme Samoa"

Instead of @tacobell giving out free tacos today, they should make a donation to the Red Cross & help the hurricane clean up.

I’m a gentleman in every sense of the word. But if you smell like coconuts there is a 97% chance of me licking the back of your neck

Having problems conceiving a child? Look no further. I’m a 30 year old Puerto Rican male, 2 beers & high five and you’re preggers

ATTN Staten Island: The mayor is sending food trucks to the corner of Yetman Ave & Hylan in Tottenville also New Dorp Lane & Mill Rd at 1 PM

BY RETWEETING ME YOU'RE ONLY FUELING MY MADNESS

How many calories is sadness?

For the 37th straight year, the number one selling woman's costume for Halloween is a Slutty Whore with her titties & butt all out

HEYYO FATGIRL, COME HERE ARE YOU TICKLISH?

I’ve been up since 7. Drank 4 cups of coffee and seasoned a pork for tomorrow, I’ve turned into an old Puerto Rican woman.