twitter: proving everyday that i'd have friends if I lived somewhere else

if you use the stall next to mine in the otherwise empty bathroom, I'm going to knock secret code messages to you or try to hold your hand

if Axe is supposed to attract horny women, it should smell like tequila

i dont read the news, i just surmise the relevant parts from whatever twitter is making jokes about.

when i see someone spelling 'you are' as 'u r' i think, wow, how busy they must be; only the most important people must speak this way

yelling "oh shit they found me!" whenever I hear sirens is not the easiest way to make lifelong bus-friends :(

its friday and I'm drinking for two! no, I'm not pregnant, just welsh

when a man promises never to hurt me, i slip out the bathroom window after cocktails

either im getting funnier or you guys should have found me a lot faster. lazy bastards

whenever I skip lunch I have to steal other peoples' tweets about what they ate.

no need to read sarah palin's book, have a conversation with a nearby sqiurrel, tree or parked car (american). same result, fewer paper cuts

When asked, "how do you like your eggs?" simply respond "I KILL THOSE FUCKERS WITH PILLS"

having the option to favorite your own tweets but not RT them is like filming yourself masturbating but not uploading to youtube

i only read serious comic books, that means NO AQUAMAN... cept when he's part of the justice league. thats about politics

ah, the sound of one star clapping.

just bought my first pack of magic cards in over a decade... cause you know, who likes sex anyhow?

trying to get myself ready for work... or ready for pants, whatever you wanna call it

applying a bit more eye makeup is a lot easier than building your self esteem.

late-breaking news. man pees on tree. pomeranian looks on passively. updates as the story continues

getting directions to over talkers anonymous was hard, and no one seemed to care about my weekend plans