Just had a dream i was buying pimped out converse with hood ornaments on the tips. How has no one ever thought of this?

So, I deactivated for a few days not knowing all my follows would get deleted. If anyone can RT this to help me find my peeps, I'd <3 U!

I'm not disgusted by grafitti. I'm digusted by how bad kids are at it these days.

BREAKING: iPad 3 retina display to be so clear that customers will be able to see how they're pissing their money away.

BREAKING: 10 year old girl gives birth. World shocked she's not American.

If you buy one everything bagel, all your bagels are everything bagels.

When we can genetically design our babies, mine is going to come with four cup holders.

Download new book to my kindle.


Play video games instead.

The Agusta National Golf Club Motto: "No matter who wins, at least it wasn't a woman." #Masters

You don't "need" a frappuchino, you "want" a frappuchino. It's not like there's antidote in it.

Dudes with super long shorts should just admit they're wearing capri pants.

Remember when Jesus said, "Thou shalt not have a sense of humor?" Wait, maybe that was Moses.

 https://vine.co/v/bEY6UnztgHA 

So nice of you to get a twitter account and only tweet about getting more followers. #waytocontribute

I shouldn't be allowed to eat popcorn indoors.

Just once I want work to call and say, "Hey Alcott, could you come in an hour later today?"

Putting up with your tweets is just not worth the follow back.

Custody of myself should be taken away.

@philippeheller @rweingarten gee i guess I'll have to tell my students their poverty doesn't exist because my classroom isn't the real world

My defense against twitter cliques is called, "having a life."