Dog coughs that sound human = scary. Women that bark like dogs = sexy.

How many calories are in a crying baby?

Sorry every woman of authority but I just picture you eskimo kissing a ball sack when you talk. #DisrespectfulTruths

"Daniel Craig is built like a fucking heat rock. There should be sex iguanas all over him at all times" - My grandma

I normally dislike shemales, but Rhianna is a true lyricist

Just saw a stripper with so many piercings in her vagina it looked like my fathers fishing hat.

When Donald Trump orgasms it sounds like a dot matrix printer torturing a fax machine to death

Damn girl, If you're wearing a sweat band and drinking a protein shake after doing rigorous kegel exercises then I'm interested.

I accidently put the 'e' before the 'i' in Justin Bieber's name and a mob of 13 yr old girls sodomized me with a Barbie head :(

I don't catch sexual diseases. My penis actually manufactures new ones. It's an innovator in the industry

Your girl looks sexy in this sweaty weather. I'll air drop glitter and turn her into a stripper

This is a fun camping trip. I made a sleeping bag out of your mom.

If you leave me alone with your twin babies for more than 10 minutes I'm gonna make nunchucks out of them guaranteed

My grandma just found out coffee doesn't come from an animal :(

Your vagina looks like a Philly cheese steak being pushed through an antique key hole

If nobody steps up and kills Adam Sandler this shit is gonna keep happening.

"@brocksleezy: @dutchmassive @celphtitled I got 2 sealed and 2 open haha" I have 4 sealed copies. Waitin for a Celph rape scandal to sell

Damn girl, you look like a newborn giraffe trying to walk in those heels. Self esteem left back in the after birth.

@anakgjonaj I wanna be in a poorly ventilated hot horse costume with you

"If you build it, they will come...in it and around it" - hotel executive to hotel room jacuzzi designer