My son called my daughter a bitch. So I told him not to say that anymore. Then I secretly high-fived him because she totally is.

Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

Hey dads, if they're your kids, it's called parenting, not babysitting.

My boss told me I need to stop coming to work half drunk, so I just took 3 more shots of tequila. I'm not half drunk anymore, motherfucker.

I wasn't going to drink tonight. But then people. So tequila.

What I lack in tits, I make up for in wits.


Haha, just kidding. I've got great tits.

Talking to someone thousands of miles away about things no one in real life would care about... One of my favorite parts of twitter.

I'll subtweet people that aren't even on twitter, I don't give a fuck.

Whoever coined "the terrible twos" clearly didn't stick around for "the fucking threes."

I'm drinking this rum straight from the bottle because I don't want to waste water cleaning a glass. You know, global warming and shit.

Isn't it funny how one person can ruin your day and another can make it better instantly?

You're not pretty enough to be such a bitch to your followers.

Top 5 things I know about men:

1. They like boobs
2.
3.
4.
5.

Son: you know how you call people cunts sometimes?
Me: um, yeah?
Son: that lady over there looks like one.
Me: you're right. Good eye, dude.

My daughter told me she's too pretty to listen to me. So now I'm researching boarding schools because I'm too pretty to deal with her.

You should really stop tweeting to those other whores. And get back to starfucking me.

My daughter complained about getting her hair pulled. I told her to stop complaining, because someday she'll beg for some hair pulling.

The intimacy that comes from being silly together... I miss that.

"You're so much more fun when you're drinking" is a compliment, right?

My daughter just announced to a crowded restaurant that I'm not wearing panties. How's your night going?