Clean sheets are such a blatant sign of optimism. #IfYouMakeItHeWillCum

Have already sweated through my thong. Once again, let it be shown that the only point of panties is to take them off.

For those who enjoy the consistency of semen without the bitter aftertaste, I highly recommend coconut yogurt.

Sorry, no BJs tonight. Unless your cock is coated in honey. #throatonstrike

I'm a good driver, Officer. It's these fuck me heels. They make me do bad things.

Who needs ipecac when you have the word "husbear" to induce vomiting?

Sext: Let's get our percolator on.

(Oh, who am I kidding. My mind is in the gutter 24/7.)

I want my old friends. I want my old face. I want my old mind. Fuck this time and place. #HappyNewYear #AniDiFrancoStyle

ME: I'm antsy. HIM: Wanna fuck? ME: Yeah...I just wish there was Minute Sex.

There must be a name for the anniversary of the first time you fucked someone. A year ago today, that someone was my husband.

The only time my husband doesn't cough is when I'm on top. No complaints from either party on this "all natural" remedy.

Wet enough for ya?

Husband bribed children with video games so we could "nap."

Granted, tomorrow I will be just as googly-eyed as them. But cuter, and for a bona fide musician.

Just yelled "I'm still hungry!" and nobody jumped to their feet to assist me with a snack. AND YOU CALL THIS A "HOME!"

Meanwhile, I am Googling, "Why is my dog's penis red?"

Husband just pointed out that my pants are low-rise but my thong is not. Hence, the leering.

Husband's beard is coming off today. A moment of silence, please.

If I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight, I'd probably choose that over sex.