Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll run out of oxygen and die.

Queso?! More like yayso!!

if I had a massive legion of followers, I would tell them to #ff @thealux and @0ddfellow they're good at making jokes at old people

Busy day delivering shoulder justice to sidewalk etiquette violators in SoHo

It's weird that you can't flash mob with an iPad #microsoft

Walking Dead is definitely the best whereas Walken Dead would decidedly be the worst #TheWalkingDead

CBS just labeled Vernon Davis as a linebacker, which probably explains why he was such a horrible TE option in fantasy this year

Just washed down some mucinex with whiskey in case any of you kids out there are wondering what adulthood is like

You basically have a better chance of being attacked by a shark than any other kind of tragic event happening #life #sharks #facts

I don't listen to Nicki Minaj but I do own a parakeet with turrets

Kaepernick sounds like a British super hero who is really just a good tailor

I have a few pet peeves but they're not house trained #heyooo

"Is AJ McCarron ok? Will he live? So his girlfriend isn't single?" - Musburger questioning sideline reporter

Russell Wilson became the first quarterback in NFL history to be named after two sporting goods companies #funfacts

"Put some diesel in that ass, that's an ass station" #rejectedKanyelyrics

What is Frankenstorm and has anyone tried teaching it how to love?

Costume idea: A-Rod. Carry a bench made of money and sit on it in any stressful situations throughout the night

Guns don't kill people, single parent homes kill people #debate

Red Bull gave me wings and now NONE of my good shirts fit :(

@jackkellyiship sounds like the 24 of cuisine