The best way to eat Skittles is to carefully separate them by color then sweep them all into the trash and eat a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.

Oh, by "finish the project" you meant "finish the project?" Then no, I didn't "finish the project." I'll never learn all this jargon here.

I'm very fond of all three of you that have been starring my tweets.

My daughter asked me if I'd ever heard of Dungeons and Dragons. I'm so happy. Every father wants their daughter to remain a virgin forever.

Watching my redneck neighbors pack for a camping trip. Darwin was full of shit.

The laughs here sound so much different than my wife's. You're all hahahahaha and she's all shutthefuckupandleavemealone.

My boss just called me insolent. Told him to fuck off. I don't have diabetes.

Ever wonder if your grandparents were into rough sex? I mean before now.

What really bothers me is that some of your mothers might actually be proud of you.

Stop saying you're going to unfollow unfunny people. It scares the living shit out of me.

I like to tweet a few semi-funny clean jokes, get a few more followers, then

BAM!

someone's dick is in their grandma.

Guys, women just want to know their blow jobs are appreciated. A nice pat on the head when they are done should convey this very well.

Michael Cera, now there's a squat to pee dude if I've ever seen one.

I'm old, fat, stupid, broke and lazy. Remind me again why I feel superior to you?

STOP MAKING ME GOOGLE SHIT!!!

When space aliens come, I'm pretty sure they won't have a British accent.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess none of you fuckers have ever won a Nobel prize.

I'm going to be away from Facebook for a few days. Would someone mind popping over and fucking my Farmville animals while I'm gone?

I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs literally.

Just found out my new friend I met last week at the bar is an FBI agent! What does "unindicted co-conspirator" mean?