Alcohol is just disinfectant for your soul.

If the existence of our species ever comes down to figuring out whose turn it is at a 4 way stop we're screwed.

Cleavage is pretty cool for holding things in: a cell phone, car keys, a penis. Whatever.

I may need to lower my standards where men are concerned but at this point I really don't want to drop breathing from the list of criteria.

I've been on dates with 4 different guys in the past week and not one was worth shaving my legs for. Time to start collecting cats.

All I want for Christmas is you*



*Terms & Conditions apply. Must include lots of presents, free booze and mind blowing sex.

Yes, stars sometimes mean you're funny, but they can also mean love, encouragement or sometimes just appreciation for the person you are.

I just removed my bra and half a box of Nerds fell out. I'm clearly too awesome for words.

I'd say I have writer's block but that's a bit loftier than my talents. I have "I can't think of random shit to babble about" block.

My goal for the zombie apocalypse is to become the world's first ZILF.

Calling another woman a whore says more about you then it ever will about her.

Sexy isn't always about satin and lace; sometimes it is nothing more than a Star Wars tee and a smile.

A true gentleman never comments on typos while sexting.

Attn impatient consumers: people working in retail sacrifice their holidays for you. Cut the fucking attitude already.

I used to believe in cosmic balance, karma if you will, but my last bit of faith has seeped away. The world favors those with no conscience.

Home isn't always where the heart is, sometimes the heart is a thousand miles away.

Nothing screams sexy like falling off the couch while checking to see if your leg will still go behind your head.

And when do I get to have a relationship that's solely based on sex?

This is my third day in a row without pants. I should be winning twitter by now.

The problem with finally having sex is that it just leaves you wanting more sex.