What the fuck is the sunglasses-wearing sun on the Weather Channel map protecting itself from? Also: those would melt.

'Z's are just drunk 'N's.

Sometimes I hump my dog's toys in front of him to remind him who's boss.

Hey delivery girl, I'M HIGH. Stop asking complicated questions. Just take the video game inserts and give me my pizza.

Ghosts are just dead attention whores.

Remember guys, don't suck on only a dude's right testicle. That's the gay side.

My fantasy is to someday make glorious, passionate love with a beautiful woman whom I make happy. That, or get her to look at me.

How bad does my dog think my hearing is? It's a door bell. I installed it for the sole purpose of being alerted to a visiter's presence.

You don't have to tell me it's a KILLER bear. It's a goddamn bear. I know it can kill me.

I never want to be a Jedi more than when I'm watching TV and the kitchen light is on.

I hate it when people say, "Fire up the computer!". The most appealing thing about my laptop is its lack of an internal combustable engine.

"Go ahead. Make my bed." - Clint Eastwood to housekeeping, probably.

Fuck you, dark spot on my ceiling that I always think is a spider when I first walk in. Fuck you right in your whore mouth.

I was into hipster jokes before they were cool. *yawn*

The voices in my head think I'm a really good listener.

The television industry severely overestimates how often I buy washing machines.

Was asked which 5 people dead or alive I would pick to have a conversation with & I picked only alive people because dead people smell bad.

Mustaches are just mouth eyebrows.

Without air, my body shakes from withdrawal and my body starts to shut down. I think I'm addicted.

You can't get the cops called on you for growing a beard.