Just saw two girls scissoring the SHIT outta some construction paper

I slept like a baby last night.... Like a baby on marijuana

You're smokin hot with huge tits, but if you're going to be a BITCH to me..... Then I guess that's alright.

My girlfriend hints at sex by telling me its taco night... Or at least, that's how I'm taking it

All Johnny Depp movies start exactly the same..... Me with my dick out.

You think mall Santas ever tape their dick down to their leg?... You know.. just in case?

I once did some gangster shit with a colony of ants and killed a gang of evil grasshoppers..... I got 'BUG LIFE' tattooed across my belly...

Sleepin' with one eye open = paranoid.... Peein' with one eye open = drunk

So I'm watching Blues Clues, and the clues are... a rope... a condom... and a wet spot.... He's in the thinking chair right now..

I gave my GPS a British accent, so I feel classy as fuck on my way to pick up weed from Tyrone's house..

Roses are red, violets are blue. Tonights the night, I go in where you poo

My girl asked me what's for dinner. I told her she can have this dick......... It comes with two sides. (and a drink.)

You had me at "Hello.. I'm drunk, and I can't find my friends.."

I shaved my pubes and gained like 8 inches

I just watched a hot girl fart in a pair of leggings, and a little air bubble scurried down the back of her leg....

Just found a REALLY old cum sock behind my dresser.... There's a little colony growing on it..... They've already discovered electricity.

My girl thinks I'm fingering her, but its a pregnancy test.... just a fewww more minutes.........

Woke up with another one of those boner things this morning.....

I just assume all women shopping in the produce aisle are looking for dildos.

Do these pants make my dick look fat?