Considering how much we all talk about coffee, alcohol, drugs and sex...I'm surprised this isn't called Twitcher.

Oh man! My newest follower says she loves to fuck and she's only got 1 follower! That totally increases my chances!

Anyone else ever sneeze while shitting and turn themselves inside out? Damn it's dark in here.

Wait wait wait! So you're all real people?! OMG I'm so embarrassed!

This tweet brought to you by procrastination.

Girls naturally have bigger butts because they don't poop

Morning twitter, let's do that morning snuggle thing that turns into more.

Since when did Chloroform fall off the 'Approved For Foreplay' list?

Dear twitter: Thank you for giving me back my sanity and my sense of self.

Morning everyone, time to grab this day by the hair and whisper sexual innuendos in its ear

Anyone need a Domestic Husband? I've already made food and now I'm doing laundry. Looking for benefits.

The irony of Lost disappearing from my Netflix qeue just hit me.

Yes ladies there ARE men out there that are responsible, nice, attentive and STILL like to get dirty in bed. Hello, my name is...

Damn, I just coughed bile up into my sinuses! Am I wrong or is that the first sign of a zombie infection?

Stars are like 'Wow, that guy's hot!' RTs are like 'Holy shit he has a big dick!' And doing both is like 'I want more of his hot, big dick!'

I got new followers today so I've been quiet. This is called 'dramatic pause' so I can pique their curiosity.

I think it's cool when people retweet me, but I'll never ask for it. That's just needy and wrong, am I right? Please RT.

Ok, my take is: If you wear a cockring, that means you can't control your dick. It's a pet collar dude! A fucking pet collar!

Stop being selfish! I'll get back to being funny when I get back to hating life! You know, once I go back to work.

Only 2 away from 300 followers. Once I make it I'll throw a party, but only I can drink the beer, ok? I don't know how old you fuckers are.