The second floor of any public structure with an open atrium shall henceforth be known as the "Cleavage Observation Deck."

I've spent the past week really trying to "go green" but pistachio ice cream always backs me up.

Eating a granola bar and dumping the crumbs into low-calorie raspberry yogurt like a boss.

Just sent a text so depressing and introspective it has its own tumblr.

Why do khaki pants always look like they smell like farts?

I'm not sure why, but theres just something about putting my penis into a vagina that I find EXTREMELY sexual.

Accidentally submerged my penis while seated in a public bathroom. Not sure whether to call poison control or take my dad out to dinner.

I'm convinced it would be cheaper to buy a dog than a vacuum.

Why do white people clap on 1 and 3, and everyone else claps on 2 and 4?

In case you're wondering about my neck brace and the A-1 stains, my girlfriend had to work today :(

"I been fucking with a limp dick so long, I could push a lawnmower with a string. - My grandfather" - My suicide note.

The bar wants $20 a head to watch a $55 fight, so I'm going to drink a bottle of wine in my car and find a homeless guy to beat up instead.

Is it racisit to be surprised when I hear black people speaking French?

I'm almost entirely sure that that Christopher Lambert is an actual Highlander, and is now posing as Thomas Jane.

Thanks to these North Carolina summers I've grown very fond of sweaty, exhausted women.

The key event to watch during the Republican debates is absolutely anything else.

Response to my friend saying his 19yr old sister is pregnant: "Shit man. Congratulations I guess, but shit. Sorry. Shit."

If we've ever made eye contact you should probably get yourself tested.

Not sure if I'm more put off by speculum porn before, or after I pleasure myself to it. I'll let you know in a few minutes.

Pretty sure I just sprained my anus #frisbee