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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
Guys, don't listen to reality stars or models when it comes to vaccines. Don't even listen to ME, listen to the SCIENCE.
If I were really really ridiculously wealthy, I wouldn't buy a mansion, just tiny apartments in every city I love.
I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
TOP THREE WAYS TO RID YOUR BODY OF TOXINS: 1. Have a liver. 2. Have kidneys. 3. Use them.
There really should be a holiday to mourn the dinosaurs.
Paul was the Gryffindor, John was Slytherin (not evil, but cunning and cocky), and George was a Ravenclaw. Ringo, undoubtedly Hufflepuff.
A lot of my friends tell me they "Don't really listen to the lyrics" of their favorite music. Do you guys hold your noses while eating, too?
"Gay sex is gross!" You think so? I think sushi is gross, but I'm not going to create an organization to criminalize it.
People who think women aren't funny have never been on Twitter.
If I wanted to know how good at sex you were, I'd have just asked you, contemporary male R&B singers.
You are going to die someday. Your time on this planet is both wonderful and limited. Stop wasting it asking famous people to follow you.
Matilda gets really annoyed when people get the two of us confused.
The most important quality I need in a friend or boyfriend is the ability not to mind when I tell the same story over and over again.
Last night I heard a couple having sex. Now I hear a baby crying. That was fast
White chocolate is not chocolate. Smooth jazz is not jazz. "Nice Guys" are not nice.
If there is a heaven, Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, and Huell Howser are all there, talking about all things special, neighborly, happy, and amazing
Hi, I'm Mara. It doesn't rhyme with Sarah. FAQs here: http://t.co/1TJLocAjHE Art by @SAShmorky! http://t.co/FOtIKHaRrC