#WhitePeopleActivities Eating, breathing, sleeping. #BlackPeopleActivities Eating, breathing, sleeping.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.

If I wanted to know how good at sex you were, I'd have just asked you, contemporary male R&B singers.

Paul was the Gryffindor, John was Slytherin (not evil, but cunning and cocky), and George was a Ravenclaw. Ringo, undoubtedly Hufflepuff.

You know who ELSE had a mom? HITLER.

It's my writing and I'll end a sentence with a preposition if I want to.

A Hufflepuff on the street but a Slytherin in the sheets

College is where you go to realize you went to college for the wrong thing.

You are going to die someday. Your time on this planet is both wonderful and limited. Stop wasting it asking famous people to follow you.

Lot of dudes on the Internet insult you by saying they wouldn't have sex with you. As if some troll's penis is all you desire.

Hey, look, my @cracked article is up!  http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-reasons-child-stars-go-crazy-an-insiders-perspective/ …

Next time I'm around a middle school at dismissal I'm going to yell "AIDEN! BRAYDEN! JADEN! HAYDEN!" and watch half the school turn around.

Writing is sex. Re-writing is childbirth.

Lovers may temporarily take your breath away but <3 ASTHMA IS FOREVER <3

I like to think that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are dating because Twilight was a trauma only the other understands.

Taylor Swift seems like a mean girl who doesn't understand she's a mean girl. Those are the scariest kind.

I'm the type of girl you bring home to meet your mom, who then blows you off to hang out with your mom.

It's much easier to get a small child into Neutral Milk Hotel when they love airplanes.

I hope Chris Brown is an organ donor, because I cannot think of anything else positive he has given to the world.

The other day I said "when I grow up" and then I remembered my jobs, college degree, breasts, and apartment, and thought, "Oh yeah. Shit."