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I was only mildly famous in the '90s but vaccinate your kids
"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
FRIENDS: Maybe men just find you intimidating.
ME: As they should.
One of the first guys I kissed now has an Instagram account where he reviews vape pens
I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
Going for "bad boys" is bullshit. You won't change him. Want someone who ignores you and is alternately loving and rude to you? Get a cat.
"Ugh, put away your phone for once"
*Stops reading about current events and talking to beloved far away family members* "OK"
Very sad, very upset, very glad I did not have to hear about this though Twitter. Probably going to be taking some time off it for a while.
People who don't eat the pizza crust:
1. Why do you do that
2. Can I have it
Tempted to call up those voting to defund Planned Parenthood and tell them, in detail, about the time I went there for a yeast infection.
I think the world would be a better place if every dude realized he is nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
No one cares who you think is ugly
"You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands."
*Lights another cigarette*
Childhood ruiner, retweet curator. Now appearing in your clickbait. Pre-order my book WHERE AM I NOW? here: http://bit.ly/1UhjbDf
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