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I was only mildly famous in the '90s but vaccinate your kids
"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
Going for "bad boys" is bullshit. You won't change him. Want someone who ignores you and is alternately loving and rude to you? Get a cat.
Very sad, very upset, very glad I did not have to hear about this though Twitter. Probably going to be taking some time off it for a while.
FRIENDS: Maybe men just find you intimidating.
ME: As they should.
Tempted to call up those voting to defund Planned Parenthood and tell them, in detail, about the time I went there for a yeast infection.
People who don't eat the pizza crust:
1. Why do you do that
2. Can I have it
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I think the world would be a better place if every dude realized he is nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is
HA. "Matilda is the story of Hermione if she'd been raised by the Dursleys."
I can see it.
"Mom, why won't Dad let us have toys?"
"It's a long story, honey. A toy sto-"
"JEN! Don't do this!"
"We have to tell them sometime, Sid!"
Ugh, Astrology is such BS! Anyway, which Hogwarts House are you in
No one cares who you think is ugly
Who needs coffee when you've got ANGER
I worry a lot about the Singularity but Facebook just asked me to tag my own breasts as friends so I think we're good for a few more years
Musicals are so stupid and unrealistic! Anyway, back to superheroes and romantic comedies where the male lead gets the girl by stalking her
Ruining childhoods, fumbling toward relevance. Retweet Curator. Rhymes with capybara. FAQs: http://t.co/1TJLocAjHE http://t.co/akQfC22XEW
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