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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
If I were really really ridiculously wealthy, I wouldn't buy a mansion, just tiny apartments in every city I love.
I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
TOP THREE WAYS TO RID YOUR BODY OF TOXINS: 1. Have a liver. 2. Have kidneys. 3. Use them.
There really should be a holiday to mourn the dinosaurs.
Paul was the Gryffindor, John was Slytherin (not evil, but cunning and cocky), and George was a Ravenclaw. Ringo, undoubtedly Hufflepuff.
A lot of my friends tell me they "Don't really listen to the lyrics" of their favorite music. Do you guys hold your noses while eating, too?
"Gay sex is gross!" You think so? I think sushi is gross, but I'm not going to create an organization to criminalize it.
If I wanted to know how good at sex you were, I'd have just asked you, contemporary male R&B singers.
You are going to die someday. Your time on this planet is both wonderful and limited. Stop wasting it asking famous people to follow you.
Last night I heard a couple having sex. Now I hear a baby crying. That was fast
If there is a heaven, Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, and Huell Howser are all there, talking about all things special, neighborly, happy, and amazing
White chocolate is not chocolate. Smooth jazz is not jazz. "Nice Guys" are not nice.
A Hufflepuff on the street but a Slytherin in the sheets
Ron and Hermione probably fought every morning and had wild, angry make-up sex every night
"Mom, why won't Dad let us have toys?"
"It's a long story, honey. A toy sto-"
"JEN! Don't do this!"
"We have to tell them sometime, Sid!"
Saying cold weather disproves global warming is like saying, "The world seems flat when I walk down my street!" Anecdotes are not evidence.
Hi, I'm Mara. It doesn't rhyme with Sarah. FAQs here: http://t.co/1TJLocAjHE Art by @SAShmorky! http://t.co/FOtIKHaRrC