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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
If I were really really ridiculously wealthy, I wouldn't buy a mansion, just tiny apartments in every city I love.
Paul was the Gryffindor, John was Slytherin (not evil, but cunning and cocky), and George was a Ravenclaw. Ringo, undoubtedly Hufflepuff.
TOP THREE WAYS TO RID YOUR BODY OF TOXINS: 1. Have a liver. 2. Have kidneys. 3. Use them.
There really should be a holiday to mourn the dinosaurs.
If I wanted to know how good at sex you were, I'd have just asked you, contemporary male R&B singers.
You are going to die someday. Your time on this planet is both wonderful and limited. Stop wasting it asking famous people to follow you.
If there is a heaven, Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, and Huell Howser are all there, talking about all things special, neighborly, happy, and amazing
Last night I heard a couple having sex. Now I hear a baby crying. That was fast
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
A Hufflepuff on the street but a Slytherin in the sheets
You know who ELSE had a mom? HITLER.
It's my writing and I'll end a sentence with a preposition if I want to.
You're Never Fully Dressed Without Cat Hair
College is where you go to realize you went to college for the wrong thing.
9 Things You MUST Do In Your Twenties: 1. Be Twenty 2. Be Twenty-One 3. Be Twenty-Two 4. Be Twenty-Three 5. Be Twenty-Four 6. Be Twenty-Fi
Dr. Dre should sample "Killer Tofu" so we can have "Beets by Dre"!
(Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.)
We're going to be so disappointed when the aliens land and they don't want to fuck us.
Art school is a great place to go if you are attracted to artists and want to put an end to that.
Hi, I'm Mara. It doesn't rhyme with Sarah. You might want to read this before you tweet at me: http://t.co/1TJLocAjHE http://t.co/FOtIKHaRrC