If I fall in the forest and my pants fall off and I happen to delicately rub the earth over my fragile nakedness, no one hears that right?

Dear all the young kids on twitter,
This is how we are when your not around.
You little fucks.

To note: If you are using a word like apothecary, you probably mistook a phone booth for a time machine and landed in the future. Welcome.

Once, my dad almost told me he's proud of me but he had his mouth full so it came out as "I hate this family i'm leavin". Memories are great

What a bust!! I bought this damn mule almost 6 months ago and so far there's no sign of drugs anywhere.

So, I shaved out a pencil moustache. Sure I may look like a douchebag, but the power to create a diabolical invention is overwhelming.

As a male, if I fail to annihilate any tissue thats been left behind in the toilet with a heavy blast of pee, I become disillusioned.

I'm actually standing here with my phone in my hand cooking bacon with a semi. I have become Twitter.

Asked my son what he's gonna be when he grows up. He pumped his fist in the air and said, a grownup. That kind of funny writes itself.

If someone yawns and you DON'T picture a penis or maybe a sandwich getting stuffed in there then I say it's YOU whose got issues, not me.

I successfully avoided eye contact with the world today.

My kids are young but they better get it together. I don't have money to leave so to be fair, I'd like to pick a clear favorite before I die

Old neighbour Gus is so kind. He invited me in to rest. The drink made me sleepy but Gus washed my pants while I slept, said they were dirty

I use a megaphone to wake my kids in the middle of the night because THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE, MOM'S DEAD! I usually stop once they start crying

To be honest, I really don't miss Pluto at all. Sure at times I look up for it, but mostly i'm just not bothered. Sorry if this is too soon.

I instinctively look up when I search for wi-fi. Like its going to be in the air, floating, smiling at me. Shaking its disapproving head.

Sometimes when my wife and I are fighting, I find it helps to gently but firmly cover her mouth with both hands until she falls asleep.

I automatically think "theres a baby in there" when I see a bag laying on the road. Then I get crazy flashbacks of how my parents found me.

The day I stop laughing at fart noises from squeezing bottles, is the day I die. Probably because of laughing so hard from the squeezing.

I'm just gonna say it, in my opinion, vampires have an unfair advantage when bobbing for apples. Again, this is my opinion and it is a fact.