Beyonce is pregnant. Congratulations on your 100th problem Jay-Z. #fb

I hate the lead singer for Chris Brown.

The Romneys don't really want to move into the White House. It's so much smaller than all their other houses.

Not now, pants. I'm on the Internet.

Did Kim Kardasian get a divorce yet I've been running errands. #fb

Breaking: "Forever 21" changing it's name to "Pushing 30"

I worry I sound harsh in e-mails, because people can't hear the tone of my voice, or see that I'm smiling... and gently stroking a tiger.

This SNL sketch has gone on way too long.

Research shows that if you're scared of spiders, you're more likely to find them in your bedroom... I've decided to be scared of Mila Kunis.

FYI: The guy handing out free urine samples in the restroom at Costco is NOT an employee.

Marriage is a competition to see who can make the other feel more guilty for having fun.

"Wow, that's interesting" is a nice way of saying "I don't give a fuck, but you sure seem to."

Steven Tyler falls in shower, is treated at hospital for facial injuries. Apparently the airbags in his lips failed to deploy.

I have no evidence, but I'm pretty sure Team Follow Back may have gotten my gf pregnant.

"I'm telling you, man, this is gonna be my week." --Sharks

I nicknamed my refrigerator "the gym" so I can tell people that I go to the gym.

Fellas, don't ever use the phrase "cheat day". Eat whatever you want and suffer a massive heart attack at 45 like the rest of us real men.

I get most of what I need to know from a woman's eyebrows.

You're either a coffee person or a murderer.

Life handed me melons and that's how I knew I was dyslexic.