There are two guarantees in life

1. We all will die
2. White people fucking love brunch.

If you love something let it go? How fucking stupid are you. You keep it, you dumbfuck.

I don't care who you are or where we are at, if Bohemian Rhapsody comes on and you don't know the words, I'm kicking you out my fucking car.

I refuse to waste time arguing with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a fucking button.

Have a sense of humor, or shut the fuck up.

Dickbag neighbor has been yelling "open the door" for a while, so I jumped in and yelled "get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur."

I really get freaked out when ugly babies stare at me. Like calm the fuck down, Spawn of Medusa.

If you really want something to work, you'll make it work. Or else you're just full of shit.

Life is all about finding that one retard that you can totally tard out with, forever.

I like smiling at white people. It let's them know I'm friendly and I don't plan on robbing them.

Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things:
1. Food
2. Not moving
3. Avoiding people

Have a great day, people that aren't fucking dipshits.

Find that one person that makes you a little less miserable and spend your time being miserable together.

Hey Axe, you're fucking ruining astronauts for those of us that still like them. Douchebags are NOT astronauts. Fuck you very much.

I would eat at a restaurant owned by stoners. I bet the combos they would come up with would be awesome and the menu would change daily.

Can we just rename the Chicken Dance to "for the love of God, white people stop doing this already."

A real Vampire Diary would read like this:

1 it was dark.
2 I bit some necks.
3 didn't get staked.
4 haha what the fuck, glittery vampires?

"There were stupid drivers and lots of traffic, your honor." - how my murder trial will start.

There's never a such thing as too many naps. Or too many drinks. What's wrong with you people.

Somewhere out there I hope there is a fat guy that sings "highway to the flavor zone" every time he goes to the fridge.