If I should ever win the lottery, I would definitely share it with all of you.

The story, not the money. That would be ridiculous.

We get it. You drink. You have boobs. Your phone takes pictures.

How do boobies know not to grow on gymnasts?

"I have to pee like a drunk girl!" - race horse

Kiosk workers. The carnys of the mall world

Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.

If you bite the inside of your mouth more than twice in 5 minutes you should be allowed to smash a bottle over a passing stranger's head

So Canada officially only has good looking people, is that it?

How old am I you ask?
Rotary phones.

Hey anti-aging creams, feel free to kick in any day now. Time is truly of the essence

so Fifty Shades of Grey is not about Hugh Heffner's pubes?

Lots of things can make you look cool. Chipping a tooth while drinking straight out of the bottle is not one of those things.

Would you guys be ok with me referring to my followers as "fans" to people who know nothing about twitter?

One word to describe how truly crappy the US economy is.

Staycation

I've actually left the supermarket without getting what I needed to avoid that awkward second encounter of a neighbor in another aisle

Another reason dogs are great: they're always happy with my choice of music in the car.

That hand basket bound for hell is gonna be huge.

Hey if anybody wants to go see Titanic re-released in 3D, tell me now.

So I can unfollow you

I've seen 63 photos on Facebook of dashboards showing the outside temp but I think I need one more to believe it was really 70 degrees today

"@snooki has almost 5 million followers." - my answer to anybody who asks why other countries hate us.