My daughter is asian, black, and white. She's a panda.

If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, you should have your kidneys checked because that's just not a healthy color for urine.

Using the little vacuum to clean the big vacuum, like a boss.

A great place to watch women spit, bleed from their nipples, and shit their pants - Every Boston Marathon

Gillette razors are a lot cheaper if you weigh them as parsley in the self-checkout line at the grocery.

Calm down white people, they're just fucking fireworks.

Took a 3 hour class on breastfeeding that I could've learned in 20 minutes on Redtube.

Easter, the day we learn how relatives perform cunninlingus by how they eat their Cadbury creme egg.

My wife is five months pregnant. Now she knows how I feel after Indian buffet.

Forgot to grow a goatee again this weekend.

I'm eating this pear. Like a Bosc.

Just Googled myself. I'm still a podiatrist in Illinois.

Just solved the puzzle on the back of the Cheerios box using the secret decoder so fuck yeah it's a Good Friday.

Boob glitter just turns into face glitter.

How's your Asian girlfriend, is she still taking pictures of food?

Even seals get tired of banging supermodels.

My goal is to look like the guy in the "Before Hydroxycut" photo.

I blame Obama for the loss of Jobs.

<insert narcissistic rambling here>

Full-Court Man-to-Man #tweetthepress