Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
But with a bendy straw.
My son: Mom will get mad...
Me: Why would she be mad?
My son: That's how she rolls.
Why are unhappy people so much better at sharing their emotions with others?
Marijuana: Cure all. No down side.
Tigger please. ~ Pooh
If there were a hell, it would be an endless children's birthday party.
Orgasms give you confidence.
My career is negatively impacting my drug and alcohol performance.
Protip: If your mom or dad are still alive, call them.
The kids look bored, I think I'll eat some mushrooms.
The best defense is a good not giving a fuck.
Gorillas get so fucking angry when they play charades. Not worth it.
Disappointment is the coefficient of expectation.
Distance is such a cock block.
Cocaine: About 10 minutes of euphoria followed by either more cocaine or horrible cringing. Curable with heroin.
You think you eat pussy? ZOMBIES eat fucking pussy.
When they invent the teleporter we're all gonna get laid a lot more.
At the intersection of boredom and bad decisions...
*blows through red light
I wish I had a calm electronic voice to do a countdown for my inevitable self destructive moments.
Ariel had crabs.
Still monogamist with my first twitter crush.