12 yr old at pool saw me tweeting yesterday. He said he has account with over 700 followers. I feel bad for throwing his flipflops away.

Did you hear about the guy who only checked his Twitter account once a day? Me either...

Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

Went to a steakhouse the other day. The waitress explained the menu and said "All of our meat is hand rubbed." I said "What a coincidence"

Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet for everyone. For those bad with math, that's a 12 pack of 125 calorie beer.

Pro tip: if your wife says "if I were to arrange a threesome, which two of my friends would you pick to join in?". Never give two names.

I have always wondered if Jesus used a waterfall as a stairmaster.....

90% of the time I'm convinced that nobody sees or reads my tweets. So the random star or RT makes my day.

Shopping the other day and saw a $150 polo shirt. I wouldn't pay that much for a shirt even if it came with the foreign kid that made it.

I couldn't' care less about a sandwich after. If it goes good your legs will be too wobbly for you to walk to the kitchen anyway.

I used to be the funniest one in my group of friends, now with all these seriously funny folks around, I feel mildly handicapped.

For all you newbies wondering how to get followers, don't worry about it just write what's in your head and star and RT and they will come.

I'm willing to compromise. You can shave just the back of your legs so they don't scratch my shoulders, okay?

Giving blood this week. Always makes me feel good to help out, plus the fact I can get totally faced on a six-pack that evening.

Like to answer the door in my drawers and hair all crazy when church people come knocking early. The FedEx guy was not impressed just now.

My buddy was bragging about his girl working at Hooter. I was jealous til I found out she worked in the kitchen.

Being away from twitter for a week is like missing soap operas for six months. Kinda hate to miss them but you can catch back up in a day.

I used to wonder about why my kids just say "Happy Fathers Day" with no gifts or anything. Now I realize that's all I ever really needed.

Fall - when the women at Wal-Mart change from wearing pajama shorts to pajama pants

I will make you forget completely the asshole that made you think you aren't the beautiful sexy beast that you most certainly are.