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"Need a seat? How about my face?" - what that hot guy on the bus should say to me.
I'm no fool. I've read about internet creeps. So when the guy on match.com said to meet him on a secluded beach, I thot "Aww. How romantic."
I know shaving my head is probably a bad idea, but at least the carpet would match the drapes.
I tell people I'm dating a guy named Jack, so I can say I love Jack, or Gotta go now, Jack's calling...and no one knows how often I drink
I try not to drink when my kids are here, because they look confused when Mommy catcalls at the neighbors while dancing naked on the balcony
"Sensual hot tie really wants to get dance the buttocks jig!" WTF bot? I like my erotica to be grammatically correct, k?
"Dating experts" say more people find love in the frozen food section than online. I'm guessing it's the hard nipples.
Whenever I do kegels, I clench my ass and practice opening and closing my throat too...because three holes are better than one.
If by "shiksa" you mean horny non-Jewish sex kitten who just fucked your son's brains out...then yes Mrs. Goldstein, I'm a shiksa.
Does "Trim an inch off the ends" mean "Experiment on my hair and ruin my fucking life" in hair salon language?
I lost two followers because I used God and fuck in the same sentence. Goddamn fucking pussies.
It's all fun and games until you try to sneak a quick rub down the front of your pants and your rings get caught on your waistband.
The best thing about summer is sundresses. And no panties.
I can fix the toilet, add new handles to the kitchen cabinets and put together a bookcase, but I can't lick my own pussy. Why, god, why?
Guys who write "I'll tell you later" on their Match.com profile really mean "I'm a fucking psycho killer, or I'm married, or both."
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Unless it's something you don't want to do. Then keep putting it off until it goes away.
All I want is your face between my legs, your warm breath on my panties, your tongue licking the wet spot, teasing my clit through fabric.
I've been thinking about cunnilingus porn all day. My brain is about to get a damn good licking.
Something something something fuck me something something
Does this cock in my mouth make my ass look inviting?
Purposely anonymous nympho smart-ass. Those are someone else's real boobs. Mine would blind you. Go fuck yourself.